Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Price is High

I am currently reading Anna Del Conte’s memoir Risotto with Nettles and was struck by a very poignant quote for me. She states,

I have become a hybrid, fitting properly neither here nor there, being neither English nor any longer Italian, always missing something when I am here or something else when I am there. Even now that I am old, I have the dilemma of where I should be buried: here in the lovely churchyard of this picturesque village in Dorset, where I now live, or in my family’s tomb in the grand Monumentale cemetery in Milan. Even dead I will not settle . . .One might have a less dull life, more interesting experiences, broader education, but the price is high.”

Del Conte, who is a popular Italian food writer here in the UK, writes about her move from Italy to England, and the challenges she faces—both in the differences in food, but also in lifestyle. Now, I am not saying that the cultural differences between a Canadian moving to Northern Scotland are the same as an Italian moving England in a post-war Europe—obviously with the times and the language barriers there are always other issues to face.
However, moving to a different continent, or indeed, a different country at all, gets you starting to think about which one you want to settle in—if you want to settle at all. I know that there are those who live nomadically, shifting from country to country depending on the season and their mood. Although I have been a bit of a nomad in my life—England to Ontario Canada, to Alberta Canada, back to Ontario Canada, and then to Scotland—I really don’t know why I keep uprooting my life, and I wouldn’t necessarily class myself as nomadic. I do want to settle in one place eventually. Moving is pretty upsetting. Most of my friends are in the Toronto area, my family and high school friends in Calgary, and now I have just created new ties here.
No matter where I am I always feel like I am missing something. And, as Del Conte writes, ‘even dead I will not settle’. I have made this choice now and there is really no going back from it. I don’t regret any of the nomadic lifestyle I have lived, it has made me who I am, and I am very pleased with that person, I have to say. But it is extremely challenging. It hits you harder than you think, and in different ways than you think. I suddenly find myself having a deep, abiding longing for Lipton chicken noodle soup, tofu, drip coffee, or just sitting down for drinks with a few friends after work downtown. I don’t have that here, or I don’t have it the same way. Tofu: if I scavenge for something with Linda McCartney on it I’ll be sort of fine, Lipton: they have some weird Chinese version of chicken noodle soup here that just seems to have a lot of soy sauce dumped into it, Timmy Ho’s: I don’t really drink coffee but you can ask around for it, and friends: well, there is not the same downtown atmosphere, not the same people, nor accessibility, and everyone seems to be on vastly different schedules here. Not to mention everything seems to close down past 5 except for the pubs. But there are still lovely people, and lovely places, they just takes a while to find. You have to find new things to miss and new favourite haunts. It takes a while to believe that this is where you live right now, that this is where you have momentarily settled. But when does that moment become forever? And I know that sounds like a terrible lyric from a Backstreet Boys song, but really??

Del Conte decided to stay in England because she met someone, fell in love and got married. I am not saying if I plan to get married or not, but when you do start dating someone in a different country, that does get you thinking about settling in that place permanently and starting a life. When it is not just you, it becomes that much more complicated. Del Conte further states,

It demands a lot of goodwill to bridge the gap that separates two people who have grown up in different countries. You certainly learn to share most things, but the baggage of anecdotes, proverbs, everyday allusions remain incomprehensible to the other person. In many cases the partners can make the most of this situation, but it can also create an abyss that tends to widen.”

This is on a completely different vein than the previous paragraphs but I will say that I very much agree with Del Conte on this, in relationships yes, but also in everyday life. You become about to say something to someone at work but then realise they will have no idea what the hell you are talking about. (I tried singing the Goldfishes theme song at lunch ‘I love the fishes ‘cause their so delicious! Gone, Goldfishin’!’ It was not a success). You reference something to your boyfriend in an attempt to make a joke and then you have to explain the punch line. It does put a certain stint on things. However, I think you can avoid that ‘abyss’ by embracing as much as you grumble about things. I know, I am one to talk, all this ranting about weird British shit. But honestly, embracing and sharing are the best ways to go—otherwise you will never feel a part of your environment and your environment will never be a part of you.

That’s my two pence. I hope it works out for me.

11 comments:

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  2. Thanks for sharing. I need to read this book, sounds interesting and looks like it mirrors my own experience. Grew up in Canada, up-rooted to USA. I still consider Canada home, but after spending a significant time in the States, its home too. Well, the only thing that connects me to USA is my family & friends ("my people"), but Canada is all that and more. I always felt divided, whether I was in Canada or US, so I decided to come to Scotland and miss them both! I love it here, but making new connections is hard and sometimes it's a bit tiring feeling like you haven't a clue what someone is talking about, even though it's the same language (or is it?). Whatever it is, it is an adventure, eh?

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  3. I also need to read this book. I am the child of immigrants and moved around B.C. alot - from the central to the coast to the island to the north. Then here. And now it has been five years. Sometimes I ache for Canada but I can't really describe the "things" I am aching for. It happens when I listen to the Vinyl Cafe pod cast or watch certain programs about Canada. Mostly I miss the wilderness. It reminds me of something I once was.

    But you're right - it's too late. Even if I went back I would long for Scotland and Britain as a whole. Things won't be the same there because I'm not. That's the sacrifice. In my desire to seek out the new I have accidentally erased my ability to fit in somewhere, anywhere. Always the other.

    Great post.

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  4. Try explaining Polkaroo to someone who didn't grow up in Canada - had that conversation last night myself and wasn't sure that I sounded all that sane.

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  5. What a great post and blog. The blog is great and I usually don't comment on blogs but I just did on your rant on cars from december.

    I totally understand about feeling torn. I'm a Greek-Canadian, born in Toronto, summers in Greece. I love traveling and my last trip lasted 3.5years in Australia. In oz I finished my masters and met my future husband. I tried really hard to live in Toronto after oz, to work (yoga teacher/entrepreneur), to just be. I couldn't do it. So I picked up and left for Greece where I have been for 6months. Moving to Edinburgh in May, just because. There is not reason, it just looks good.

    But I feel guilty not being with parents in Toronto and my best friend in Australia and family in Greece. It does get easier creating your life somewhere else, but the feelings of guilt/splitting is still there.

    thanks for the blog.

    ps. how is the job prospects anyways.

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  6. Regarding the gap that separates two people who have grown up in different countries:
    Yes, 'certain everyday illusions do remain incomprehensible to the other person' but this also makes things interesting! One of the things I really like about being in a relationship with an American is that yes, our cultures are very similar but they are also profoundly different. Even though we've been together for almost six years I learn new little things everyday about California, American history etc.. EX: They don't have Smarties in California! Rockets (those candies you get at Halloween) are called Smarties!
    But anyway, no, we can't reminisce about 'Tuba Dave' from High School but the diversity of our experiences means that we'd slaughter the competition on a couple's jeopardy-type game show!

    ALSO, I'M EATING LIPTON RIGHT NOW!
    ALSO, ALSO, POLKAROO!!!
    I miss you, Emily!

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  8. Fer sure there is no greater bond-maker than sharing the expat life with a local. Many things get lost in translation, but there's a lot of fun involved in creating your own jokes and stuff.

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  9. I entered this site by chance, but I found very interesting. A greeting to all the people who visit this page.

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  10. Great! Thanks a lot for sharing your blog. My irish kilt rental guys will be reading this later and I think that they're gonna like it.

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  11. Hi Emily,
    My name is Natalie Sullivan and I'm casting an international travel show about expats moving abroad. We'd love to film in Scotland and wanted to know if you could help us find expats who have moved there within the last 15 months or have been there for 3-4 years, but recently moved into a new home. The show documents their move to a new country and will place the country in fabulous light. The expats on the show would also receive monetary compensation if they are filmed. They must also speak English fluently and can be buyers or renters for their homes. If you'd like more information, please give me a call at 212-231-7717 or skype me at natalieesullivan. You can also email me at nataliesullivan@leopardusa.com. Looking forward to hearing from you.

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